Cancer In My Rear View Mirror

Six years ago today, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I went on a journey for which you don't need a passport, a ticket or a suitcase. It was no vacation, I can assure you. I found myself on a runaway train with no stops – and one on which I never intended to be a passenger.

I had a 16 month old baby girl at the time, and I was still fairly newly married. Nothing says “get to know your spouse” like having your husband see digital pictures of your diseased ovary post-surgery, having him help you get dressed, and having him shave your head in the shower because all your hair is falling out. In sickness and in health, indeed. I am painfully aware that there are many marriages that do not survive cancer. I've seen it happen up close and personal.

Today, I want to honor my husband, Gary. He is one of the bravest and most loyal people I know. There were many days when he would get up and go to work when I was sick and I know he was terrified. Terrified that we wouldn't make it through to the spring. Terrified that something would happen to me. Terrified that he would have to raise Anna Claire alone. Gary held my hand through many dark hours, wiping my tears and reminding me that together, we could make it through anything. He reminded me on a regular basis that cancer would not define me – it would be a new ministry. He told me how beautiful I still was to him. He told me how strong I was, even though I was very weak. He assured me constantly of his love for me.

I am happy to say that cancer is now in my rear view mirror...just a part of my past but no longer a part of my “present.” I have now had two beautiful children post-cancer. I've had no recurrences. Miraculously, I have entire days when I don't even think of cancer...something I never thought possible.

And cancer has birthed a beautiful ministry. For a long time after I recovered, I didn't want to have anything to do with cancer. I didn't want to meet anyone else who had cancer, support anyone with cancer, or talk about it. But God gently pursued me and continued to put people in my life who needed a compassionate heart and a willing ear as they traveled their own journey with cancer. I can honestly say now that walking alongside other women who face cancer is one of my passions. I love to encourage them, to cry with them, to make them laugh, and to just sit with them. While it was a devastating diagnosis and a very painful time in my life, ovarian cancer has become one of the best blessings I've experienced.

“Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits -
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.”
Psalm 103: 1-5

Lord Jesus, You've been so faithful to me...

Thankful

I am up early this morning because Leah's monitor had some bizarre feedback on it that was driving me crazy and very loud. So, here I sit. I see now that God had something different planned than sleep for me this morning. I have had some great moments with Him.

He is teaching me so much lately...like the fact that being thankful is sometimes an act of obedience and not based on feelings. "...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Lord, thank you for my experience with ovarian cancer. I have seen a ministry birthed out of that whole ordeal that I could not have imagined. I love pouring myself into the lives of other women (especially moms) who are facing cancer. I love supporting them through treatment, sharing funny stories about not having hair, and crying with them when they wonder if they'll ever get out of bed again.

Lord, thank you that my job of seven years is being eliminated. It's been a great ride, and I know You have something amazing planned for me in this next season. Though I don't know what it is, I will trust You and know that You will continue to provide for our family, just as You have always done.

Lord, thank you that I still don't have the results of the breast cancer gene test that I had several weeks ago. I hate to wait, but You have often given me a sense of peace as I wonder if today will be the day that I get the phone call.

Thank You, Lord, that despite my best hopes, some of the friendships I left in VA have seemed to end. I now see that these friendships were for a season, and although it's tough to accept and I miss them very much, I see that they have moved on and You are making room for me to have some close friendships here in TX. Thank You for the lonely moments...I am learning to rely on You more than ever.

And then there are the easy things to thank Him for...for my precious husband who loves me madly even when I'm cranky, high maintenance, and cook the same thing for dinner all the time because it's all I really feel like I do well...I am thankful for his sacrificial love, for our laughs, and for every moment we spend together.

Thank You, Lord, for my amazing daughters who love life with total abandon, who love us, and who love to sing You songs before they go to bed. Thank you for their honest prayers even if they are pretty funny (I think that I can sometimes hear you giggling too). Thank You for Anna Claire and her loose teeth, for her infectious laugh, and for her constant questions. Thank You for Leah and her sweet giggle, her mischevous nature, and for the fact that You helped me maintain my dignity and grace even when she climbed out of the cart in the grocery store, took off her clothes, and peed on the floor when I was checking out. Thank You for her love of cuddling with Momma and for how she dances when she sees Dora on TV.

Thank You for providing not only a home in TX, but the home of my dreams. I am in awe every day when I wake up. I cannot believe I'm still here.

Thank You, God, for my amazing family scattered in several states, and their love and belief in me.

Thank You, Lord, for my life. Having come face to face with losing it five years ago, I am grateful every day that You saw fit to keep me around a little longer. I am so amazingly blessed by so many people and experiences.

God, You are good - even in the tough times. May I always be a light for You and a witness for all the many ways You have worked in my life. To You alone belongs all the glory.