I just know that I'm starting to get sick of it. I know full well that there are people facing serious illness, death, unemployment, etc. I was one of those people at one time in my life. I know that if I sit down and think about it, I have so many things to be incredibly grateful for and I have no reason to complain. But I'm tired. Tired of not sleeping well. Tired of bending over to pick stuff up all over the house, only to have it trashed again within a matter of hours (or minutes, depending on the day). The amount of laundry overwhelms me. I have grand plans for this summer – to teach the girls each day their Bible lesson, to work on school work with Anna Claire, to spend time doing fun things. But it seems too big for me to tackle. I want to just crawl in bed and take a nap instead. I constantly fight the feeling that what I'm doing for them just isn't good enough. That I'm not paying enough attention to them. That they're not going to turn out to be the sweet, godly girls that I've always dreamed of raising...and that it will be my fault.
And then there's the cooking. I hate to cook. There, I said it. It just takes too much effort and I ruin dinner more often than I don't. And if I'm being really honest, I don't want to get better at it. Fortunately I have a very understanding husband and he tries to encourage me to try again. I have a hard time justifying why he should cook dinner every night when I'm the one who stays home all day. I'd be thrilled if he wanted to eat cereal for dinner on a regular basis.
I don't know if I'm just having a hard time adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom or if the pregnancy hormones are just out of control. I miss feeling smart. I miss using my brain. And I miss the respect I used to get at work. It's hard to feel respected when your 7-year-old constantly rolls her eyes at you and your 2-year-old yells “No!” at every opportunity.
Maybe I just need more sleep.
2 comments:
Oh Jill! It will all get better. You have certainly had a year of transitions and the journey has just kind of begun. You can do it Mamma! This funky feeling will soon disapear. Praying and thinking of you!
Love,
Jess
I know how you feel without the throwing up or being pregnant part...or the illness, but in general I guess. I have the almost 6 year old rolling eyes and I fear the teenage years and what it may bring if this is what we get at this age. I have the same issue with cooking. The three year old tantrums rear their ugly head here as well. And the guilt of staying home and not getting it all done. The messy house, the lack of respect, the brain fog etc. You are not alone! And I'm right across the street if you ever need a break. The girls are always welcome over here (as are you!). If I wasn't headed to t-ball in less than an hour I'd come get them right now...
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